Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Ordered Checks Lately?

Yeah, I am a wasteful cow. I don't use the free checks from the bank. I get the cute ones off the internets or out of those ads you get with your junk mail. Yes, I feel its very important to express my personal style to those who enter my payment information at the Gas Company. YES! Express me checks, express me. Tell those data entry slaves JUST who I am.

Last time I got "pin-ups", many moons ago I had "moo cow" checks before that it was "happy faces". I am a very complicated person, just ask the Gas Co chick, she knows me thanks to those oh so expressive checks.

Today I got an email reminding me it was time to reorder. HOW DID THEY KNOW? I pop on the website and two clicks later I am at my shopping cart already filled with exactly what I ordered last time. SO thoughtful! But now pin-up girls no longer express who I truly am so I decided to browse the new designs. Have any of you done this recently? Good gravy!
First of all I am not sure what kind of devil pact the check place has with Nashville but you can pretty much have any country stars face smiling up at you every time you write out that pesky check for your heart pills. If you are unable to pick just ONE country star, don't you worry your pretty little head! The check place came up with the "country music" check just for YOU! Now everyone will know that your love of country music is very broad, indeed.

In that same vein, if you are unable to select your fave vehicle from their list of TWENTY (I bet me being a devoted Chevy girl would just blow Ms. Gas Company's MIND! Whoo baby!), you can just go ahead and select the "hot rods" checks. Don't you worry, the Gas Lady will TOTALLY get you.

You can find every hobby from bowling to hunting, Xtreme sports to scrapbooking all right there. Don't forget those adorable country kittens and that oh so wacky Lucy! Who doesn't LOVE her?
You can choose from a narrow variety of generic professions: hair stylist, teacher and nurse. There are checks that also vaguely imply a career. I am referring to the "Real Estate" checks as well as the "Medical" and "Law Enforcement" checks (for rent-a-cops? Mall police?). In this category see also "Good Hair Day".

Then there are those random checks that are tailor made for those who just cannot commit to much of anything. "All polished" has 15 bottles of mauve nail polish, all the same color. Nothing more closely represents my life than 15 bottles of the exact same nail polish. But in all fairness I guess this could also fall into the implied career category. "Denim" is my hands down favorite this the non committal category. Appearing on these is the image of approximately 1/4th of a pocket from the ass of a pair of mom jeans. Where have these checks been all my life?

Hey! Have you met "Jillian'? I sure haven't but I know I want her on my checks!!! She's a vision in lavender, that one!

Maybe I should purchase the Reese's or Hershey's kisses checks? Would the Gas Co lady pause and think, Oh that wacky lady, she likes chocolate just like me! Or would she read between the lines and see it as a tiny cry for help with my food addictions? Help me gas lady, you are the only one I can turn to. Thank God for these checks, I am finally able to express all the hurt inside.

Sometimes I really wish the Gas lady knew my more spiritual side... Oh My God, there is a check for that! Mystic Maidens!!! Makes me feel more peaceful just saying that. Featured on these babies is a 97 foot tall Native American woman blowing marigolds the size of Hummers from her softly cupped palms into the clouds. Ahhhh

Despite my love of fancy checks, I am a fairly practical person. The Christmas checks (any of the FOUR varieties they offer) simply do not jive with my brain. I get that you like the holidays. You like buying shit with holiday theme checks during the holiday season. Awesome. As long as I don't have to stand in the check out line behind you, we are golden. But why on Earth would you buy 400 Christmas checks?? When you order online there is a minimum order of 400! Thats FOUR HUNDRED Christmas checks. So useful the rest of the year! In July the Gas Lady will stop caring that you LOVE Christmas enough to order checks expressing this, she will just think you are an idiot for ordering an entire box of them. UNLESS you are on of those crazy fuckers who can move from book of checks to book of checks OUT OF NUMERICAL ORDER and be ok with that. In which case you are a sinner and all the Christmas checks in the world aren't going to save you from burning in hell as you very rightly deserve.

I am going to go write the check place right now. I am going to tell them they MUST stop selling Christmas checks to prevent this out of order travesty and they need to make a check that better represents me. I want one with a girl hanging out of her car giving the finger, the next image needs to have a drunk girl passed out next to an empty booze bottle and a laptop. I also want a check representing a spray painted wall proclaiming "I hate people" and finally a check with bright red lettering on it that says "I HATE PAYING YOU PEOPLE MY HARD EARNED MONEY". Mostly for the IRS and the late fees at the video store.
Who's with me?


You Know My Name said...

Oh Fuck! I love you so much!!!

I bet they don't have checks for your career, do they?


The Lady in Red said...

"In which case you are a sinner and all the Christmas checks in the world aren't going to save you from burning in hell as you very rightly deserve."
I love you so much, it hurts!